If I were a Disney Princess

Part of the amazingness of having a 3 year old daughter is the excuse to buy every Disney film ever made. I absolutely love it.

I love the old school ones, I love the new ones. I just love it all.

I took Phoebe to see the new Cinderella and googled “Is it OK to take a three year old to see Cinderella” as I was a bit worried it wouldn’t hold her attention. It was the first ever live-action film I had taken her to. What I wasn’t prepared for was the furious backlash of mothers determined to keep their daughters away from ‘things like that’. “I hate the Princess thing. I don’t want her thinking she’s got to sit about waiting for a man to rescue her.” Er… OK.

I reckon I’m a modern feminist. I live by the Caitlin Moran rule: I have a vagina (tick), and I care what happens to it (tick). I have a degree and a career. I make my own money. But does that mean, on my low days, when I’m on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor or dusting picture frames, that I can’t fantasize that a tall, blue-eyed prince with a strong jaw, sporting an impressive bulge from his tighty-whiteys will burst through the front door and shout, “In the name of all that is good, release that beautiful woman from her domestic drudgery!” No, I don’t believe it does.

And following that rule, does that mean I shouldn’t let her see, as she grows up, programs about religious extremism, for fear that she will start bombing shopping centres? Or should I not let her be friends with a child with same-sex parents, in case she comes home with a buzzcut, wearing dungarees?

Oh please. She is who she is.

Anyway, it got me thinking about what I would have done if I were in any of the unusual situations that many Disney Princesses find themselves in.

1. Beauty and the Beast

This is easy.

At this very moment, I would be trapped in an unhappy marriage to Gaston. I’d have 8 sons, and I’d be able to pluck a pheasant like a pro. All the girls would have been jealous of me once, but now they just feel sorry for me, because I’ve got a massive gunt. Gaston has aaaallll the affairs, but I don’t mind because it lessons that chance of a ninth pregnancy, and gives me more time to feed the chickens.

2.The Little Mermaid

I would have stayed a mermaid, because Triton is far more impressive a man than Prince Eric. I’m sure he would have found another bird with a nice voice. And possibly legs.

3. Snow White

I would have jumped on the back of the Prince’s horse the second he started singing to me by the well. Nae messin’.

4. Cinderella

My ability to have courage and be kind would have faded about nine minutes in. I’d be rotting in a jail cell for a triple homicide.

This has been a bit rambly. I never would have thought that at age 30, I’d still be daydreaming about wearing a massive sparkly blue dress, but there you have it. I’m sure I can’t be alone on this one. Give me pink, give me princesses, give me noble steeds, give me corsets and animal sidekicks. Not forgetting a bit of tighty-whitey action.

Can’t. Stop. Looking.

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