PND and me

I woke up this morning really early (before the baby, what what?) and just felt I had to write about this. I went for a long time where I couldn’t tell anyone- not my husband, my mum, my best friends (although of course they knew) and I’m going through a time now where I feel the need to tell everyone. Sorry! Stop reading now if sad sacks bore you. đŸ™‚

Our daughter could not have been more wanted, more planned or more anticipated- not just by me, but by out whole family. I had a straightforward pregnancy by and large, and for most of it I felt great, and excited!

Things started to go wrong when I was about 41 Weeks. This was not going as I had planned. The birth was awful- induced, long, extremely intense and then it just stopped. Our purple baby girl was born (reluctantly!) by emergency section. And she was absolutely beautiful. I was elated, exhausted, euphoric. For a day or two.

I knew from when she was days old I had Pnd. I couldn’t stop crying, I was exhausted and everything seemed hard. I expected this, but nothing prepared me for it. As time went on, people said it would get easier, and in some ways it did- she began to sleep through the night and I had a better idea of what she wanted. Even on ten hours sleep, and a baby that I was coping with- she was fed, looked after; I felt I could lie down in the street and go to sleep. Leaving the house was so tiring I wanted to weep and I endlessly felt life was too hard, the burden too great for me to handle. Many days I wanted to get in the car and drive away and never come back. At my lowest points I closed my eyes to sleep and prayed I wouldn’t wake up.

It didn’t surprise me to read later that suicide is the most common cause of post natal death in the UK.

I wasn’t like this permanently, however. I would have days, even weeks, where I felt fantastic, back to myself, loving my new life as a mum and looking at her and feeling proud of what I’d achieved. I’d made a person! Go me!

Other days I wished she wasn’t there. I wished I wasn’t there. Everyone and everything disgusted me. I felt so overcome with emotion that I couldn’t cope. Even though I have a supportive husband who was bewildered and helpless to change my rollercoaster of emotions. Everytime I thought I was getting better, the darkness returned worse than before.

There’s a line in “catcher in the rye” when the famously mentally challenged Holden crosses the road and feels he’s disappearing. That’s how I felt- like the person I was had gone, and all that remained was this desperate and lonely skin. I felt like a ghost.

I’ve always had an ability to bounce back from things- like most people i’ve had my fair share of disappointments in life, but I always try to think it is for the best and move on. I thought that it would help me and I would feel better in time. By the time I stumbled into the doctor, when Phoebe was 17 months old, things were getting so bad I could hardly put one foot in front of the other without weeping like a woman bereaved.

I’m getting better now. Sometimes I wake up very early in the morning and wonder what I would be doing if I never got help. And it really is as scary as any nightmare.

I know this isn’t a novel or owt but I really want to thank some people.

To Jenna, who listened, and noticed.

To Laura, who made me remember myself, by always being herself.

To my long-suffering husband, for always loving me, not matter what version of me he woke up to in the morning. I love you bub x

To dorkymum, whose words of honesty and absolute clarity made me feel like I was not alone. Especially for her post on pnd.

To my mum and dad, whom I respect and love more than ever. X


7 thoughts on “PND and me

  1. Funny isn’t it, how one morning you just wake up and you do feel like you need to tell this. Go you, lovely brave lady, because every time someone has the courage to speak out and say they’ve been through it, they make it a little bit easier for the next person to do the same. It is the scariest thing ever, but you’ve survived and come out stronger. You should be very proud of yourself xx

  2. Your post is a testament to how far you’ve come. Your a smart, beautiful, funny and inspiring lady. I’m really glad I met you. I only wish I’d bugged you more to open up but didn’t want to overstep the mark. I’m just glad you sought the help and support that you need. You’ve faced your fears, well done girl X

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